This is sorta what I've been feeling lately....

When you are handed a deck of cards that is stacked, you play them...right?? Then you hope that the next hand is better, right??
Well, when your child is diagnosed with special needs...several needs stacked on top of each other, you learn to go with the flow, figure out how to make that 'deck of cards' work in your life & for the most part live life.
But lately I've been wrestling with the internal demons of what if's...

And how timely that another of the blog's I follow posted an entry just along the same lines.  I invite you to read Lisa Leonard's discussion on 'what if'.....
Here is my version....
...what if, Hayden could talk---that would be so magical to us
...what if, Hayden could feed himself &/or just sit at the table so we could have a 'Norman Rockwell' dinner---I seriously wouldn't know how to act
...what if, Hayden could just sit & be still---I can't even fathom that one, seriously if you could see how in 'motion' he is, you might understand
...what if, Hayden could walk & run like a normal 6 year old---instead he has a hard time walking, he usually trips over his own feet & if & when Hayden runs, it is like a awkward deer.
...what if Hayden could take care of his personal needs like the bathroom, dressing, a bath---maybe in another 10 yrs he can do this, but for now we take one day at a time & should have bought stock in the Huggies Pull-up line.
...what if, Hayden had no disability??  Then I stop & remember Gob blessed us with Hayden...we were chosen to be his parents. And what a blessing it is to be Hayden's parents.  There are days that I must be kicked in the behind & remember we are the ones we get the occasional deep throaty 'Hi'...we are the ones Hayden seeks his comfort in when he is tired/hurt/confused...we are the ones who get to look into his deep dark chocolate brown eyes & have our souls melt...we are the ones who get hugs despite everything...so, instead I chose to look at today & the rest of the days in the frame of mind of....'what is'.

What is the best....God gave us Hayden & we shall rejoice in all that he is & is to become.
Which leads to my next part....
another blog I follow (I have an entire folder that I randomly read...sorry, but it's the sad truth)...Tara Whitney talks about how it like to live 2 separate lives....life with their disabled daughter & then when they are able to have family vacations/respite while she stays home.
The posting linked to her name is so us...I had tears in my eyes, not a bad thing, but it helped me see our future.  We are several years behind their family in terms of coming to grasping life with & without our disabled child in every part of our lives...but the window that opened today helped me to understand, we'll all be ok.  And 'we all do the best with what we have'.
May your Advent season be filled with blessings...we are blessed with beautiful children & a life that although a bit crazy is our life & we are doing ok.

Shayla's turn is coming...because life as the sibling of a special needs child is challenging in itself.